Over the last few days I have been attacked by an illness that only a man can possess. An illness so bad - that every year every man will have it at least once. Although not life threatening, this illness can cause pain and disruption to everyday life and is scientifically proven to seriously affect men more than women (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/7505207/Man-flu-is-no-myth-as-scientists-prove-men-suffer-more-from-disease.html ) Life as we know it stops.
I am of course talking about MANFLU. From the first moment - the fight is on to beat the virus – but what are the most successful ways of fighting MANFLU and winning? I spent 3 days sorting through rumours and testing the theories on myself.
Medication
I initially started feeling the symptoms of MANFLU a number of weeks ago – at which point I instantly started taking some form of normal Flu tablets. This clearly didn’t work – as the virus started taking control of me. So I headed back to my local ASDA to find some better ways to take on the illness.
My initial thoughts were some of anger. I don’t know if you have ever decided to go to a supermarket on a Saturday afternoon – but when you have MANFLU, a man’s patience levels are about a third of what they normally are. Saturday afternoon in a supermarket appears to be when half of the English population decides to do their weekly shop. Unfortunately the half of the English population that decides to go shopping on a Saturday afternoon is the half with absolutely NO common sense. The kind of people that will block an aisle whilst having a chat with a friend and look puzzled and hurt when a bunch of people try and get past. Or the people that walk around so slowly that they read what every item is on each shelf. SURELY THE SIGNS ABOVE WOULD GIVE IT AWAY. Or the parents that get angry with their children for running around after giving their children a can of Red Bull (or the supermarket equivalent). You get the idea….
I ended up at the pharmacy counter and asked the woman behind the desk a very simple question. “What can I take to beat flu?” I asked. The woman looked at me and responded “typical man, you haven’t got flu – you’ve got a cold!” On a normal day I would have pranced around gleefully and congratulated her on her sarcastic yet sexist comment – but due to my rapidly decreasing health I decided to do the best possible thing in the circumstances and walk away. Or at least that’s what I should have done….I decided to spread the love that I was feeling from her and give her some of her own medicine in return “I’m sorry – did you mishear me? I wasn’t asking for a diagnosis from a glorified sales assistant. Besides – have you looked at yourself this morning? I asked a simple question”. Not my finest hour. The woman behind the counter looked shell shocked – but the pharmacy man stepped in and pointed me in the direction of an aisle filled with flu destroying goodies – at which point my confusion stepped up. Why on earth is there normal and “Max Strength” Flu drugs. Surely everyone would want Max strength?? How can they all brands state that they are the best? With my frustration increasing I grabbed a selection of items that fitted my symptoms and left the supermarket.
Items Bought: Strepsils Warm. Asda MAX STRENGTH Decongestion tablets, Asda MAX STRENGTH Flu Tablets, 4 x Halls Extra Strong, Lemsip MAX STRENGTH & Vicks Inhaler.
As a review for the items I can state that Strepsils Warm (although tasting like vomit) genuinely work (sore throat fixed), Extra Strong Halls work to the extent that if you eat three at once you feel slightly less decongested and I’ve also discovered they work as a laxative (although you sneeze like a trooper – and eating more than one is surely the wrong idea), Lemsip working is just a fable (it tastes vile and leaves you feeling sick), Asda tablets work for about 2 minutes and the Vicks Inhaler does not work at all when you have flu – it is just mildly addictive.
Eating Something Hot
So, after fixing my sore throat I decided to tackle the rest of my symptoms. I’d read somewhere that eating something hot would stop me feeling bunged up. I’d never tried this theory before – and I thought I’d be clutching at straws – but in desperation – I raided the cupboards at home to create something…..
My Ingredients:
Pasta, 1 x chopped Pork Steak, Oregano, Garlic, Passata, Mixed Herbs, Stock Cube, ½ pot of very hot Chilli powder.
Although I had used enough chilli powder to power a curry house for a month – I found that I could taste nothing – besides a mild tingling in my mouth. Unfortunately – although I couldn’t taste the chilli powder – my body felt the effect. And I spent the next hour or so feeling sick and being sat on the toilet whilst my body cleared itself out.
So – hot food DOES NOT WORK! And n.b- I am still feeling the effects of this two days later…..
Sweat It Out
My wife suggested that a common way to beat flu was the theory that “everyone knows about” sweating it out – a theory added to by my mother in law. Bearing in mind that both my wife and my mother in law have the worst immune systems known to humans and don’t pay the slightest bit of attention to anyone giving them advice when they are ill and that they are even less qualified to give me health advice than the woman in Asda I was sceptical. But I was desperate. So for one night I tried this theory. And whoever came up with it was clearly a moron – because it was the most uncomfortable nights’ sleep I have ever had. Not only could I not breath properly – but I was really restless through the temperature. Useless theory and it confirmed a theory that I had – my wife and mother in law were either playing a cruel joke on me (likely), or they have half listened to someone talking about Flu and 10 minutes later heard someone talking about sweating and presumed that the two conversations went together (more likely). Because obviously 2 + 2 = 9…
Whiskey
This was perhaps understandably my favourite theory. So last night after wifey went out I decided to take on a 12 year old bottle of Glenfiddich single malt whiskey. It probably goes without saying that I didn’t get through much of the bottle before dozing off. I did sleep well last night – but this morning I have woken up with all of the symptoms that I had before – with an added headache.
In Conclusion
It’s scientifically proven that MANFLU exists and that it affects men more than women (http://www.menshealth.co.uk/healthy/symptoms-treatment/survive-man-flu) – but like many illnesses – I don’t think there is one set cure. There are theories – but after testing a few I can safely say that none of them have really worked for me. But men shouldn’t expect sympathy from their wives and girlfriends – I wasn’t expecting any – and didn’t get any. All I got was sarcasm about “MANFLU being made up”. But men – we need to stand together. MANFLU is real – it’s just that women don’t understand how much we suffer through it. It is up to us to raise their awareness. And next time you suffer with the virus – keep this article in the back of your mind – it makes for pleasant reading (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1260771/So-man-flu--Women-real-hypochondriacs.html)
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I feel that I should point out...that I have now apologised to the woman is Asda!
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